Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Blamin It On The Apple

So, it turns out, it wasn't allergies that had my nose running, my eyes tearing, or my throat um, sore-ing (that is just terrible!). I'm sick. As in, I have a cold, typhoid, the black plague, avian flu, west nile or some such crap. There was a point in my not-too-distant life when I never got sick. Colds? Pshaw! Somehow, though, I have lost my cold fighting ability. I was sick-free for almost two years. Now? This is the second time I have been sick in the last two months. Unacceptable. I am blaming this cold on the apple.

What, you ask, could the apple have done to make you sick? Well, you see, I don't like apples. They taste good but they do something wrong in my mouth. That crunch squish noise they make? Nails on a chalk board. Makes the hair on my arms stand up. Every apple season, Mr. Cool goes apple picking and for like three torturously long weeks, he gives me an apple a day. He also eats at least one apple a day and I have to hear his crunch squish. Argh! Welcome to my hell.

Now, it is really sweet, this apple a day thing, except for my disdain of the apple. I am, unbelievably, too polite to tell him that yes, I appreciate his thoughtfulness, but me no like the apple so thanks, but no thanks. Instead of putting an end to my torture, I keep them and try to choke em down by sucking on teeny tiny pieces until it is mushy enough to swallow. Can you tell I was Catholic for awhile? I've tried smuggling them out of the office and making Boo eat them but he won't bite (hardy har har). The apples end up going bad and I feel double bad because I am squandering the nice thought and wasting food. So back to trying to choke them down I go. In any event, yesterday Mr. Cool gave me the first apple of the season. A firm crispy specimen that any apple lover (but clearly not me, the ungrateful bitch) would enjoy.

I used a knife and cut it into tiny pieces and then I started the suck/mush/swallow routine. It was awful. I swallowed large chunks. Some might still be lodged in my esophagus. About halfway through, Mr. Cool gave me ANOTHER apple since I was almost done with the first (that sound you heard, my head connecting with my desk, repeatedly). Today, there was a new one, so that make two apples I have to deal with. I think, that the apple, in an attempt to up its torture of my soul, has made me sick. An apple a day keeps the doctor away my ass! The apple, it gave me avian west nile flu plague. And, it flashed my ladies to the meter guy. And, it made me so miserable last night that I was TOO TIRED TO KNIT.

Fukin' apples!