Thursday, February 01, 2007

True or False

George Michael's album Faith is a good album to blare on long car rides. FALSE. It is a GREAT album to listen to on long car rides. Yes, yes, I know, BUT ... "I'm talking it back to the old school / 'Cause I'm an old fool who's so cool" - Tag Team, Whoomp There It Is

I cannot knit a sock without having to rip out some part of it at least once. TRUE. I did a new type of short row heel on my Feather & Fan sock and hated it. I've ripped it out and am considering my options.

It takes two hours and forty-five minutes to drive to central Jersey from central Connecticut. FALSE. It takes my husband two hours and forty-five minutes, it takes me two hours and ten minutes.

If you are my "boss," you are an asshole. TRUE. Denying someone pay for bereavement time because 1) she just took two days bereavement time a few months ago and 2) it was an in-law that died, is assholeian. Extra so, in light of the fact that YOU took/received a bereavement day when your boyfriend of one minute's mother died. She was NOT related to you at all, not even by marriage and you knew her for like, a month, as opposed to fourteen YEARS. And the same thing about your neighbor's mother's dead boyfriend. You had NEVER EVER met him. If you get the time, so should the rest of us. Asshole.

Eating asparagus can make your pee smell funny. TRUE. This is because of the way the sulfur containing amino acids in the asparagus break down during digestion. But this smelly phenomena doesn't happen to everyone. In case you were curious.

If you normally drive sixty-five miles per hour but decide to take a walk on the wild side and ramp it up to seventy, you are now entitled to drive in the fast lane/left lane. FALSE. Seventy is still too slow. And, you're an asshole. Do I work for you?

If you make a detailed list of things you want to look for during your very first ever trip to WEBS, and you believe you are totally ready for your shopping spree, you will find at least one new project that you MUST make tout de suite that will end up costing hundreds of unbudgeted dollars. TRUE. See Dragonfly Sweater. (Note that this is especially distressing because I didn't even know I had some freaky fondness for the dragonfly until I saw this sweater. What else is lurking inside of me that I don't know about? Besides asparagus, I know about that one.)

If you refer to you female dog as your dog-ter (a play on the word daughter) and comment on how much you love her and are looking forward to driving with her for hours, some might think you have an sick warped unusual fondness for dog turd. TRUE. Dogter sounds a lot like Dog Turd. Dogbert, Dogalina, Baby Girl, or that-bitch-that-chewed-on-my-sneakers she shall be.

It is not weird to stop a microwave with seconds to spare because you do not like the beep-beep-beep it makes when it finishes naturally. TRUE. It maybe be annoying to the people who have use the microwave after you and have to clear out your leftover seconds, but it is not weird. It's not!

Buying a Louis Vuitton because you're sad, not because you need it is totally reasonable. TRUE.

Making an "X" out of honey-mustard sauce on your White Castle chicken sandwich over the ring or "O" of chicken and saying, "Awww, I hug and kiss you sandwich" as you shove it full-on into your mouth, is proper food etiquette. FALSE. But is sure is fun!

Knitting for half of a day at your desk, instead of working, is bad. FALSE. This is totally cool if your evil boss is out for the day and you completed an appropriate amount of work earlier.

5 comments:

Rebecca said...

Oh yeah, I hear you on the microwave thing. I do that all the time. Although sometimes, I am nice and clear out the seconds for the next person. Just sometimes.

Rebecca said...

Oh and knitting during a work conference call, also OK. ;)

knitgirl63 said...

Hey crazy lady, George M - OMG. I loved that album. I'm having flashbacks and I never did the drugs.

I don't think I did anyway.

p.s. Your boss is a fricking jerk but I liked your term assholeian much better. I do have another term that I'll email you, it's one I've used frequently under my breath - sort of a mantra. Watch for the email. Heee!

Patty

handknitbyafailedfeminist said...

I can't tell you how much hate I am exuding towards the boss/bitch. Wouldn't it be nice if a rational policy guiding the granting of bereavement time?

Suz said...

I agree about the Louis Vuitton purchase....been there, done that!