Friday, November 28, 2008

Me Like Booze

So we went out for Black Friday and were just poking around when I saw these at Pottery Barn ...

I said to Boo, "Wow! That is my kind of Advent Calendar. You do a shot a day until Christmas!" To which he replied, "Um babe, your heritage is showing ... those are for votives."

Wednesday, November 19, 2008


Question One: So when I came home today, it was to find a package waiting for me, or rather, waiting for Lady Bean. And it was from Crazy! Just when you thought we were done getting gifts from Crazy and it was safe to check the mail ...

So, do I open it now or do I wait to open it until we "set up XMAS tree" as directed on the bottom of the mailing label? Also, cool or creepy that she is still sending LB gifts?

Question Two: I mucked up LB's C'mas stocking.

What? You don't see the goof? Here, look again.

I zigged when I should have zagged. So obviously, I need to rip back. But do I rip back to the beginning and start all over? Maybe do it toe up and make the "snow flakes" face the same way they do on the picture of the stocking. Yah, I KNOW. It totally annoys me that the picture was obviously knit toe up while the pattern is written toe down. I don't think one looks better than the other. It just makes me twitchy that they won't be the same. Also, I think LB's name could be fatter. Maybe two rows instead of one. Sounds like I may have already answered this question, eh?

Question Three: How long do green peas stay in one's system?

Monday, November 17, 2008

V is for ...

Various tidbits. Not necessarily interesting, but definitely varied.


Mark Cuban, owner of the Dallas Mavericks, is a schmuck and I hope he gets spanked hard. This is a lot of hate to have for a random stranger, but I am okay with that.


The IRS owes us a thousand bucks that we overpaid. Karma: You ain't gettin it Mrs. Hatey Hatemonger, enjoy your spanking.


Knitting colorwork from a chart is easy. Much easier than knitting lace from a chart. Unless, of course, you are color blind. Then it probably sucks.


LB has teeth ... two of them poking their way in. Next week she'll be graduating from high school and by Christmas she'll be married.


In response to the proposed bailout, Bailout II, one which should help "make more credit available," I say, "Brilliant!" I mean obviously we should lend out more money, because now is time when people and institutions need more credit. After all, they are doing such a good job paying back the shit they already owe. Really though, I'm sure this time it will be different.


We've been teaching Lady Bean how to give Eskimo kisses. Only when she comes at you, she lowers her brow and opens her mouth. It comes across creepy and child molesterish. Not exactly what we were going for.

I obtained this image from here via Google. I think that means I can use it ... ???


Two days ago I woke up at 7:00 a.m. By 4:00 p.m. I had: found a dead mouse in the toilet, been pooped on (human), been puked on (feline), given a split lip (human), found a poop on the floor (origin uncertain), and stepped in puke (feline). Nonetheless, it wasn't until I was forced to console, coddle, and sing to twenty-two pounds of pissed off, not going to sleep, head-butting baby for an hour during which my baking brie turned into burning brie that I considered my day a dud. Don't fuk with the brie, that's all I'm sayin'.


If we really need to have a bailout, I propose another type. A bailout of our student loans. If the government bails out Boo and my student loans, I'll stimulate the economy with the purchase of a Porsche. This is a promise.


The phrase "stimulating the economy" sounds dirty.


I've started compiling a list of songs that I will have to ban in the next few months as they are not things a baby should repeat. There are a few though, that I have been able to re-write. For example, Offspring's You'll Go Far Kid, it's "dance trucker dance" instead of "dance fucker dance." Not sure why I'm yelling at a trucker to dance, or how the Offspring would feel about this.

Sunday, November 16, 2008


Yesterday I was attacked by wild turkeys. No shit! Dogbert and I were outside when BAM wild friggen turkeys came flying off of MY OWN ROOF to dive bomb us (also, Dogbert = Pansy). Anywho, I got over this trauma and forgot to tell Boo this until we were watching a Louis CK comedy special (FUNNY!) about six hours after he'd been home. When I told my husband this he was appropriately horrified and yet amused that it had taken me this long to tell him. Later, when I showed him the pictures, he changed his mind and decided that Dogbert wasn't the only pansy! I believe, dear internet, that if you look at that pictures, understanding that I had wild friggen turkeys FLYING AT MY HEAD and it wasn't exactly a primo photo-op, you will see things as I do. To wit ...

I had heard something funny upstairs when putting LB down for her nap. I didn't really think about it though and went about my business. Once she was down, I went downstairs to the computer, ready to check my-email and make a C'mas Wish List for LB when I looked up and saw a turkey in the back yard.

Now I'm not particularly bloodthirsty, and I don't have some odd poultry aversion, I do, however, harbor much hate for the wild turkeys lurking in my hood. You see these little shits are dumb. DUMB DUMB DUMB. They block the roads and when you beep, they don't move. No. They just laze around. Annoying though it is, I had my SCREW YOU TURKEYS moment when they blocked my street and driveway and wouldn't let me come home. And I totally had to pee. I almost peed in the car and it was all their fault. So turkeys, only good on my plate, not in my yard. Which is why when I saw that turkey sitting there I thought, "Hmmm. I should let Dogbert out and have her chase the turkey away. Surely that will cause it to leave." And then I though it might be a cute photo-op, so I grabbed the camera and opened the door.

Dogbert and I walked out and I said, "Get 'em!" And Dogbert was all, "Huh?" She took maybe two steps towards it, not really sure what to do when we heard an unholy woosh and a mutherfukin turkey came flying off my mutherfukin roof!

And then there was another and another and they'd land and then chill like I wasn't shrieking, "Get em! Get 'em!" at my killer pooch next to me (which quite frankly is not surprising) ...

Because Dogbert was all, WHAT YOU TALKIN ABOUT WILLIS?

And then I stopped screaming and we hid until there were about twenty turkeys milling about. I had stopped taking pictures while we were hiding because there were turkeys, birds not meant for flight, flying all around us. And it was loud. And it was freaky. But the lack of photographic evidence of the attack of the killer turkeys does not mean that it wasn't horrific. It just means that I have a decent survival instinct.

So anyway, when all was said and done and the turkeys had made their way into the forest, I thought it was safe to come out. Dogbert concurred and actually left my side to do a perimeter check and take a wiz. And it was during this peaceful, idyllic, post-apocalyptic moment, that we heard a noise. A noise on the roof. A noise that triggered our post-traumatic stress response.

One of those fukers was still up on our roof. Needless to say, we turned tail and ran inside. We also may have locked the door because those turkeys may be dumb and lazy, but they may also be dexterous.

Sunday, November 09, 2008

U is for ...

Uh oh! I ordered a stocking kit for Lady Bean and was totally psyched when it arrived today. Totally psyched until I opened the kit that is ...

Me thinks I may have bitten off more that I can chew! Color work, charts, upside down charts!?! Uh-friggen-oh! The company that makes the kit noted in a dozen different places that you can contact it if you have questions ... that's a good thing! I have until December 24th to get this baby done, which is may still be cutting it close since not only am I skillz challenged, I am needle challenged too. I cast on last night and decided I needed to get smaller needles. I am a loosey-goosey knitter so even though I started on a US 5, the smaller size recommended, I feel like it looks a little loose. Ugg. Needles shopping, technique learning, this is going to be interesting!

Saturday, November 08, 2008


No more teasing ...

One baby raglan sweater DONE! Of course, now that she has a sweater the weather has become decidedly warmer. It is nice knowing I have this much power over global warming. Call me Obama, you need not spend gazillions of our dollars on your green projects, I got this global warming thing covered!

But back to the sweater. It was an incredibly easy knit. And, if I wasn't so gefilte at seaming, I would make it over and over again. Especially since it not only will keep LB warm, it will also entertain her!

The rolled band was a little hinky when all was said and done. I assume this was my knitting, tension, and such and that a more advanced knitter could fix that glitch, or avoid it all together. Anywho, it rolled a lot more on the bottom than elsewhere, and it didn't roll uniformly, but I seemed to have fixed most of that with blocking. It still doesn't roll exactly evenly, but it isn't so far off that I scream "EGADS!" when I see it. I also ended up tacking down the rolls on the neck at each raglan seam. This stabilized the roll and made it more uniform. This also made the neck hole a little larger, which, it turns out, is perfect for our needs. I envision this as a going-over-other-stuff, almost outerwear, sweater. So a big head hole is good. Also, it makes it easier to get the Bean into it.

This sweater was an awesomely quick knit. Nonetheless, it still took me two inches too long. Which is to say, when I started this sweater LB had a twenty inch belly. When I finished it, she had a twenty-two inch belly. This was bad as the sweater was a wee bit tight on the gut. Even though it was quick to knit, I didn't want to do it over again. So, instead of ripping out or re-doing, I rigged it. I knit two two inch pieces and then seemed them into the sides.

It is only noticeable on close inspection or if you lay the sweater flat. Thank you busy-pattern furry yarn for your camouflaging properties. Overall I am pleased with this and expect that it will get a lot of use. You know, if it ever gets cold again. Or rather, cold before someone has a twenty-five inch belly!

Yarn: Filatura Di Crosa, Sympathie, Color 3, Lot 3082, 3.5 skeins (note: I double-stranded the yarn). I think this yarn may be discontinued - it was from my aunt's stash. It is 45% wool, 35% mohair and 20% acrylic.
Needles: Susan Bates Circ, size 5.0 mm (US 8)
Pattern: Raglan Sweater, Debbie Bliss, The Baby Knits Book
Modifications: Added a two-inch placket (seven st. wide) to each side seem.
Time: Not sure - about two weeks.
Care: Hand wash cold and dry flat in shade or dry clean.

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

T is for ...


I'm quite melancholy since the election results came in and so I decided that I needed some fun. I cranked the air conditioning and had Lady Bean model for a photo shoot of the sweater. Nothing like a model blowing raspberries at you to cheer you up. Until I get around to doing the finished object shots, here is a teaser ...

Sweater, pre-blocking, with wonky bottom roll:

Sweater, post-blocking, with slightly less wonky bottom roll:


I had intended to take a cute animal picture and post it with some "Happy Halloween" sentiments. Unfortunately the only sentiment I seemed to capture was one in which it looks like Cat is dropping a deuce in a candy bowl ...

In other news the sweater is done and blocked and waiting for a day cool enough to be worn and photographed.

Monday, November 03, 2008


Boo: What are you guys going to do today?
Me: I'm thinking H.
Boo: Ok. Make sure you don't share needles.
Me: Not even LB and me?
Boo: Nope. It's never too soon to teach her good needle hygiene.

And, in other news, the sweater is done. I just have to seam!

Sunday, November 02, 2008


I am currently working on a sweater for LB, the Bee Fields Shawl, and a triangle shawl that I really don't like and will probably frog. That being said, I really want to finish the sweater, so that I can make LB a hat, and then knit her a Christmas stocking. If I knit for an average of two hours, twice a week at SnB, what is the likelihood LB will have her handknit stocking hanging by the chimney with care come Christmas? For the purposes of this question, be advised that the stocking has a lot of colorwork and I have never done color work. It is also charted, and I've never used a chart. Oh, and I have to spell out and chart her name too. And, is there any chance I will be wearing the Bee Fields while we open presents?

Yah, I know, STOP LAUGHING. Denial, it just ain't a river in Egypt.

Saturday, November 01, 2008


I was reading Lady Bean some nursery rhymes from my copy of The Real Mother Goose. My copy, as in the copy that was given to me in 1974, and is old and yellowed. Anywho, we were reading and came a cross Robin and Richard.

I thought it was awesome. Two men in bed together, in a children's book? How very progressive for the 70's!

I also came across this ...

and giggled like a little boy. Hehe, it says cock.