Saturday, January 30, 2010

Faux Pas

Dear Nordstroms Shopper:

Please accept this apology on behalf of my daughter. She is not quite two and well, you see, we've been working on manners here at Casa de SouthPark. Those manners include saying, "excuse me" when one burps or toots (toddler speak for farts). I realize that you were suffering from some extreme gastrointestinal distress which is why you were in the Nordstroms' loo in the first place. And I realize that the last thing you wanted was to hear was my sweet little snowflake chirp "'Scuse me" after each and every one of your toots. So, I apologize. She didn't mean to embarrass you (or me for that matter). She was just practicing her manners. Maybe you can take heart in the fact that all of her hard work seems to be paying off and that she is starting to learn manners. No? Oh well.

'Scuse me and her Mom

Friday, January 29, 2010


Yesterday we got a couple of inches of snow which resulted in some icicles on the windows of my car. Not a big deal, right? WRONG! It is a HUGE deal if you are a twenty-one month old toddler who goes by the moniker LB. A deal so huge that you must scream and shriek and have a goddamn meltdown the second you enter the car. Now I'm a nice, kind, caring mom, at least some of the time. So when LB screamed MOMMY! MOMMY! NO ICE. NO ICE. NO ICE, MOMMY! I was willing to scrape the icicles off. Just not in my garage. Which is why we had the following conversation:

Me: Honey, it is just ice. It's on the outside. It's fine.
Me: Okay sweetpea. As soon as we are in the driveway I'll scrape the ice off the windown.
Me: Listen! I am not dumping the ice in our garage. You are just gonna have to suck it up for a minute.
LB: No suck Mommy. No suck.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

A is for ...

Apple chips!

LB loves the apple chip. Which is a good. She could do a lot worse than freeze dried apple. Me, I am not a fan of the apple in its raw state. When it is freeze dried, however, it isn't terrible. Kind of like apple flavored styrofoam. Basically it has a good apple flavor without the hideous crunch. The apple chip also has the ability to stick to a greasy face when licked like nobody's bidness.

In my own defense, I will say that I was overly tired, as well as mildly annoyed at having to clean up yet another pile of LB's leftover snackage, which is why sticking these things to my face AND taking pictures seemed like a good idea.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Functionally Handy

I finished my fingertipless mitts a week or so ago. And then I promptly started wearing them. A lot. Which is why, now that I've gotten around to writing my finished object post, the gloves look well worn in the pictures. What I'm saying is that they are well worn.

Yes, they already have some pilling on the fingers and some felting of the stitches but that is okay because they are soft and they keep my fingers warm. I used the pattern #063, Lobster Claws, by Mac & Me as my jumping off point. I intended to make the mitts according to the pattern but then once I got to knitting, I decided to lengthen the fingers so that they went past my middle knuckle. Then, when I bound off my longer fingers, every few stitches I would bind off two together so that there was a decrease. Now the edge is a little snug and hugs my finger. I also decided that the ruffle looked queer and instead picked up stitches and knit a cuff. I added four stitches in the cuff so that it gapes a smidge. I did keep the stitch count the same for the mitts themselves though. In the end, if you look at the pattern and then at my mitts, you won't see many similarities. But that is fine because they totally fit my needs. A functional handknit? Who knew?

Heck, not only are they functional, they carry a cheesy dancing vibe in them. Too bad they don't carry the "wear a better shirt when taking pictures that will be published on the internet" vibe. At least I cropped out the stain on my shirt. Which is something since our upgrade to a newer version of Windows left us without any photo editing program. ASSHOLES. I had to use my Crackberry software for cropage. You can tell. I KNOW. Shut it.

Speaking of Crackberries, if I am being totally honest, I should admit that my knitting mojo for these was solely from my desire to wear mitts and use my Crackberry at the same time. While driving. NOTE: Driving and Crackberrying is dangerous and YOU SHOULD NOT DO IT. If you do do it, it is against my express instruction not to. Thus you, not I, are liable for any injuries or damages you may cause. I should also admit that I do not laptop while wearing gloves, fingertipless or otherwise, though with these mitts I could. My laptopping is done from the comfort of my couch where it is a temperate seventy degrees, and not so cool as to require hand warmers of any sort. My car, however, can be freezing. Literally. And when it is, my hands get cold when I drive. I tried wearing proper gloves. But then I couldn't use my phone. Even my store bought fingertipless gloves fell short since the thumb is totally covered. Instead of complaining I took action. Crazy for me, I KNOW.

My only gripe is that these are a little thick. They push my fingers out a little bit when my fingers are in a relaxed state. If I ever find myself with a lot of free time I would like to make the same exact mitts in a sock weight yarn, a superwash sock weight yarn. But for now, these guys are awesome and I will wear them lots. The End.

Yarn: Malabrigo, Worsted, Merino Wool, #607- Vetiver - 1 skein.
Needles: Two Susan Bates Circs and a set of Clover DPN, size 4.5 mm (US 7)
Pattern: #063, Lobster Claws, by Mac & Me
Modifications: Longer fingers; no ruffle or button; arm cuff with four extra stitches added to the cuff.
Time: Three days.
Care: Hand wash cold and dry flat in shade or dry clean.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010


My eldest is sick with a cold. Which means she is a crying whining mess. So instead of interacting with her and dealing with the constant whining and crying, I have turned on Sesame Street (also known as ELMO, ELMO, ELLLLMMMMMOOOO) and let her plant herself in front of the t.v. I am an awesome COMPASSIONATE parent.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010


It's been a million years since I blogged. I'd like to say it's because I have been elbow deep in hijinks, but in fact, I have been elbow deep in drudgery. Okay, I exaggerate. Ankle deep in drudgery with a good heap of day-to-day survival on top. And, in light of the real survival issues in the world (think Haiti), maybe I shouldn't even use "survival" as someone somewhere would say I am insensitive. But you know what? Fuck that. I'm not going to let a catastrophe hijack my use of exaggeration. Take that catastrophe! Also, sometimes keeping me and my two kids alive, well, that is an act of survival. In any event, I have been buried in my own little microcosm and the world has kept on going. But I am trying to step outside my bubble. I am. I shall live each day to the fullest. Starting with today.

Today I ... um, well. I vacuumed up dry wall dust. LAME. Life to the fullest. So today. Today I ... Crap. Oh, I know! I joined my local yarn bombing society. WHAT? Yarn bombing? You? YES! I KNOW! ME! I should note I joined its Facebook page. I'm not sure there is a real membership. But still. Crazy, no? Yes! And not just that I could be a local yarn bomber, which is crazy as I am a staid thirty-five year old housewifely-mother (not fucker, thankyouverymuch) now. But also crazy because Hartford, yarn bombing? Really. Who knew Hartford was so hip? So now that I am a member of the subversive (which in my head kept coming out 'submersive' heh) underbelly of knitters, the big burning question is, what do I yarn bomb that won't get me tossed in the slammer? I thought about yarn bombing the boulder in my front yard, but that seems feeble as a)I live at the top of a cul-de-sac where the only people that can see my house, and my boulder, are those coming over, and 2)I own the boulder. Hardly subversive. Unfortunately when I think of targets that won't get me arrested, those targets are all well hidden, and on my street. I think I am going to have to work harder at this subversive yarn bombing thing. In the meantime, I'll also work on getting up a picture of my completed fingertipless gloves. Also known as the first finished object of 2010!

I can't seem to type the word yarn bomb sans the yarn as I fear ending up on some government watch list. Not so subversive of me is it? But hey, I watch t.v., I know how these things work. One mention of yarn bombing without the yarn and the next thing you know I'm living in Cuba.

Thursday, January 07, 2010


If LB was awake to see this ...

she would LOSE. HER. SHIT.

Wednesday, January 06, 2010


No, I have not done a single thing on TD's stocking but I did knit a glove.

One glove. So basically it's as completed as the stocking which is to say not completed at all.

Saturday, January 02, 2010


I am a total Law & Order junkie. So, when I found rebroadcasts of the old Old OLD seasons (circa Michael Moriarty as ADA Ben Stone), I DVRed the episodes and booked a date with my husband. It was while watching one of these episodes, one from 1991, when Jerry Orbach appeared as a defense attorney!?!, that we had the following conversation.

ME: Hey! Edward Cullen. That is the name of the vampire from Twilight.

HUSBAND: [silence]

ME: You know ... Team Edward? Team Jacob? I like Jacob the werewolf but the vampire, Team Edward, is named Edward Cullen. L&O was ahead of its time using the name Edward Cullen for a character.

HUSBAND: Uh huh. How does it make you feel to know that you were ogling someone who wasn't even born yet when this episode aired?

ME: Jacob is 17 ...

HUSBAND: Right, and 1991 was eighteen, nineteen years ago. So I ask again, how does feel to know that you were ogling a kid who wasn't even born when this episode aired?

ME: Like a dude.