Saturday, December 26, 2009


Poooor Deuce, already suffering from the Neglected-Second-Child Syndrome.

Her stocking was hung by the chimney with care. A whole lot of care being that the toe isn't bound off, the ends are weaved in, the seam isn't seamed, the body isn't bedazzled, and the lining isn't even a pipe dream. Santa must have been afraid because he skipped right over it.

Here's hoping your holidays were a little more successful than ours!

Friday, December 25, 2009

I May Have Crossed The Line

In year's past I have given our Christmas trees famous monikers. We've had Gisele Bundchen (tall and skinny), Slim Shady (tallish and thinnish), and Danny DeVito (short and fat), to name a few. So, with that in mind,

Heather "Crazy" Mills McCartney (tall, thin, and missing a leg) wishes you all a merry Merry.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Close Call

It seems that yesterday we were visited by gnomes. Or trolls. Or some other foul creature that took away this:

And left us with this:

Fortunately, the switch was short-lived and we have our sweet-tempered baby back. Which is good because we would have been screwed, I already cut the tags off so I can't return her!

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Hustle, Me Must

Twas a few weeks before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse (especially not a mouse). The stockings were hung by the chimney with care, but for one, which needed to be knitted.

So maybe I should get to knitting while my creatures aren't stirring, eh?

Wednesday, December 09, 2009


Well, uh, we seem to have resolved our mouse problem. As the mouse crawled into Noah's Ark and died.

The Ark which will my husband will be throwing away tonight.

No Shit.

That there is the mouse, dead, next to the Ark.

I have to say, as an atheist, I am amused that the mouse died in Noah's Ark. As a mom, I am sad since it was a fun toy and now we have to throw it away. And, as a softie, I am a wee bit depressed at the thought of the mouse crawling in the ark with the mini animals thinking he had found kindred souls, only to end up D.E.A.D. dead. I want to yell at him and say, "See, you shouldn't have come to our house! Duh!"

There is a lot more to the story, such as my husband suggesting we throw away the ark (see, us = atheists) mere hours before the mouse was discovered and me saying no because I liked it; me, the wussiest of wusses, then finding the fucking thing dead in the ark, screaming, throwing the ark across the room thus sending the mouse carcass airborne; LB, seeing me freak the hell out, and mimicking me; and, me, calling my husband on his way to work, telling him I could deal with eleven mistresses better than I could with a dead mouse. I'm gonna skip the details though because really, the details can't top the fact that the mouse died in my kid's Noah's Ark toy.

Tuesday, December 01, 2009


I know I don't have to post today being that NaBloPoMo is done and over. That is, of course, why I actually have something funny to post about. You see today, the kids were napping and I was in need of a little sweet, a little something something, and the next thing you know, I had accidentally gotten high. I KNOW. It was crazy. We had a can of ReddiWip. I decided I wanted some of that whipped goodness. I also decided to indulge in my white trashness (and avoid extra dishes - lame), and so I shot that whipped goodness directly into my mouth. And somehow I inadvertently think I did a whip it because I had a mouth full of sweet and a head full of, um, light headedness. Yes, while my kids were napping I was getting high (albeit unintentionally). Am I a model of awesome parenting or what?