Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Junk In My Trunk

Whenever I’ve been delinquent in my blogging and I come back to my little blog, I hear the song Enjoy the Silence by Depeche Mode in my head. This is not really apropos to anything, just thought I’d share. It is a good song.

So recently I have been having some troubles with my work computer. It is, in a word, shit. But I was okay with this shittiness, I didn’t pay for it and, for the most part, it got the job done. But lately, the whole “hmm, I think I will shut down now even though you are on page twenty-three of the best brief ever written by man but has not been saved” thing, it kinda sucks. So our “computer guy” was called in. The term “computer guy” is quite misleading. He is a pervy friend of our administrative director. He is skeezy and any time he touches my stuff I have to Clorox Wipe it down before I can touch it again. His hair is perpetually greasy and he wears the infamous Chester-the-child-molester-glasses. He brags about how he likes young girls despite having a wife his own age. In case you couldn’t tell, I no likey. Also, no one else likey either, but them the breaks. And again, this is really apropos to nothing. Sorta. See, I now have a loner computer which is slow and not programmed for my very detailed specifications, like, oh, printing when you hit the “print” icon. Picky Jenna! Since the loaner is not so much fun, I’ve had to find other ways to occupy my time.

First, I played with the sideways sock. No picture necessary, it looks like it did before. I knit some more. I threw in a few short rows in the heel area. I didn’t do this on the other side. This could be bad. I hope to finish it by tomorrow. One way or another. For the record, should this incarnation of this sock suck, the yarn is being donated to the first person who wants it and is willing to rip out all of my hard work. Should no one want the shitty shitty shit shit, I am burning it. I have a fireplace, I have matches, I have no more patience.

Second, I cleaned out my purse. This, it turned out, was like diving into a treasure trove. I can deduce the unopened toothbrush was tucked in there at my last dental appointment, so though it is odd, it isn’t that odd. Plus, good oral hygiene is important. You'll never know when you need to brush. The rabies tag, I must have dropped it in le purse at our last vet appointment - in January - and forgotten about it. The earrings are a bit of a mystery because if asked, I would have sworn I could have told you where they were and that place was most definitely not my purse. At least they are my earrings. But the rest of the crap, what the fuk? It’s like I was subconsciously going all survivalist. But not doing it well.

Why do I have a plastic fork in my purse? And butter? Was I planning an afternoon snack? If I was stranded and forced to live on the contents of my purse, the butter, not at all helpful. And the fork, not much better. Hell, the fork is even too big to fit in the butter packet. Ridiculous.

Also, one battery. One double “A” battery. Lame. Can anyone name a single product that uses only one double “A” battery? No. And you know why? Because these bitches are used in pairs. They are never used alone. It’s like the buddy system of batteries. So why do I have this lone one? Did his buddy battery give him a “bad touch”? Was he seeking asylum in my purse? Or, and I think this is more likely, did he get together with the one screw, decide to buck tradition, and live in connubial bliss in the depths of the Louis? What about his friend the twist tie? How does he fit in? Was his job to keep the battery and screw together, united against all of the lip gloss, random change, and dental products that wish to tear them asunder?

1 comment:

Rebecca said...

I'm sure Macguyver could have made a helicopter or something out of the contents of your purse. Or maybe he would have just eaten the butter with the back end of the fork. (Is it Panera butter, because maybe then you don't even need the fork?)