1. Lyme disease advocates.* Pardon? I read this phrase in the newspaper and had to giggle. Hi, I'm an advocate for Lyme disease. You don't know it, but you really do want to contract Lyme disease. It is soooo cool. You play with the neatest little bugs and the next thing you know, bam, you have yourself some Lymey goodness. You'll get awesome headaches, loopy fatigue, and a groovy skin rash. Plus, you can let it go untreated and get swell neurological effects! It's wicked fun. To get your own infection, please feel free to call me, your local Lyme Disease Advocate, at 1-800-LYME-FUN.
2. I hear that Oprah Winfrey has a shoe system where she organizes her shoes by the length of time they are wearable. Though I never formalized my shoe organization this way (or anyway to be honest - my shoes are chucked all willy nilly into a laundry basket, old shopping bag, and pile), I do have a similar mental catalog. So imagine my dismay yesterday when my "wear to court if parking less than five blocks away" shoes turned into "jesus fuk that's the biggest blister I've had since my bachelorette party" shoes. See, at my bachelorette party I was a bit blitzed. So it is understandable that I didn't notice the huge ass blister forming on the ball of my foot. Hell, I wouldn't have noticed aliens invading my ... mind. But yesterday, not blitzed. I was even walking pretty normally (for me). I did stumble a time or two when my meager inch and a half heel caught in a sidewalk crack. I also thought, "Hmm, my foot kinda stings." I did not, however, expect a two inch blister on the ball of my foot. This, in case you are wondering sucks. Not just because my foot is now gimpy, but because I will now need to revert back to wearing my comfy shoes which some (Joan) might call ugly, old-lady, or "Holy Shit! Are you wearing Naturalizers?"
3. Did you know that girly fru fru fruity drinks are considered health food? The next time you are chugging down your fifth cranberry and vodka, or chasing that twenty-third shot of Jägermeister with a strawberry daiquiri, don't fret. You are being healthy. This is good for you. Imagine the health benefits of having a bottle of red wine followed by a few pomegranate martinis. I'm so happy that I am now planning on having some "health food" for lunch. Not only will I get my daily nutrients, I will forget about the burning fire that is my left foot AND I'll also gain a higher tolerance for listening to the window-licker I work for babble on.
4. Not washing your hair for a few days so it is more "flippy" and "chunky" is not flattering. "Flippy and chunky" are really "greasy and gross." In fact, when you leave a shiny spot on the headrest on the back of your chair, you're dirty. Further, if you ask me what I think. I will tell you. You look dirty. Don't fake cry. Wash your damn hair.
*In defense of the article's author (see, I can reel in the bitchmiester), he later inserts the word patient in there - Lyme disease patient's advocate. This obviously makes much more sense. Though it does take away some of the fun.