I'm Not a Bear

Today I went for a walk with the kid and the dog. It was a lovely day for a walk and all was well until I had to pee. And I mean, I HAD TO PEE. Well, when push came to shove, I decided to pee in the woods. But I wasn't really sure where to go. I mean, I couldn't exactly pee right there on the trail, but I also had a dog and a kid in a stroller so I couldn't really go off-roading either. Which is how I decided to pee here ...



My cellphone camera photo quality is kinda shitty; it is empty state wildlife restoration area with a short path into the woods. Now I am not exactly sure what "wildlife restoration area" means as there were signs all over the place about needing your hunting license and what kind of stuff you could kill, and to me, that seems like the opposite of "restoration" but then, what the hell do I know. Me, I like wildlife, behind bars or really thick sheets of glass. So if you some how are restoring it by killing it, well, more power to ya. In any event, being that you could kill stuff, I figured a little pee wouldn't be too objectionable. And, really, the local was perfect. I was able to squat behind the stroller and view the path while at the same time shielding myself. I mean, as far as imprompto outdoor pees, I thought I was doing okay. And I think this totally sounds reasonable. Well, until you realize that there was a porta-potty about 10 yards away.



Now it could have been a spotless porta-potty, I have no idea. I chose to bypass the porta-potty because I had a kid and a dog and though I could have tied the dog to a tree, I don't think I could have done that with my kid. And I most absolutely, positively was not bringing her in there. Not gonna happen. There is no way that I could have held her and done what I had to do without one of us touching something bad. And, now, that you know why I bypassed the porta-loo, this all still seems reasonable, yes? Nothing bad had happened. Nothing evil or demented. Peeing in the woods, logical and a-okay.

So why is it that not twenty yards further down the path, I stepped on a dead field mouse? Why did mother nature feel the need to seek revenge? It was just a little pee. Heck, I haven't even had asparagus in weeks. And yet, there in the middle of the path, unknown to me, was a dead mouse (presumably) the size of a large marble. A dead mouse which was the color of asphalt. A dead mouse which was in my path. A dead mouse which I squished deader. While wearing flip flops no less. I can't begin to tell you how mentally scarred I am. I mean, I am the woman that can not step on a roach because, Holy fuckadiddle, the squish and the crunch and no! I don't step on shit. It just isn't me, I scream and I run and I sometimes jump up an down while screaming and running. So mother nature, she really picked a great revenge. I could have taken a picture of the carnage with my cell phone, but honestly, I never want to see that shit again. I mean just knowing that such an image could be stumbled upon in my phone, well, no. I have such vivid sensory memory of the feel and sound of the crunchy squish, that a picture, so not necessary.

So, the moral of my tale of woe is that you should not pee in the woods. No matter how bad you have to go, even if you're pregnant, you just have to hold it.