Dear Mr. Drug Buying Man:
I'm sorry I almost hit you at lunch time today while you were buying drugs in the middle of Homestead Ave. Not good. Squashed druggie = bad. Did you want to get run over by me? I don't think so. Please allow me to offer the following suggestions so that we can avoid these types of incidents in the future.
- When buying drugs, you should pick a side street or alley which is not a main thruway. Less traffic = less chance of getting squashed.
- You should be sober when buying drugs on a main street during the day so that if you stumble and almost fall over in the middle of the street while walking to your dealer's car, you have some wits about you and are less likely to do something that will get you runned over. Sobriety = better walking skills = less chance of getting squashed.
- When buying your drugs, you should dress appropriately; that is, you should wear two shoes not just one. They should match. Wearing two matching shoes makes that whole walking thing a little easier. This, combined with the soberness mentioned above, will drastically lower the "getting hit by a car" factor. Two matching shoes = better footing = better walking skills = less chance of getting squashed.
- Should you only have one shoe and be high as a kite, and still need to buy your drugs, you may want to cross at the cross-walk, at the intersection, or at least wait until there are no cars. Walking at cross-walk with white flashing hand = permission to cross street = less chance of getting squashed.
And, in the spirit of Christianity and helping thy neighbor, I would also like to offer a few suggestions on what not to do when buying your drugs so as to avoid detection by law enforcement.
- You may want to carry your money in your pocket as you approach your dealer's car and not hold it in your hand with bills sticking out between your fingers all willy nilly. This would lower the chance of catching the eye of a random passer-buyer who would then watch to see what you were doing and then call the police. No one sees money = no one interested in your life = no one sees your drug deal = no one calling police.
- Should you trip in front of a car as you walk to your dealer's car, don't shake your wad of money at the driver who almost hit you. This leads to that seeing-the-money phenomena discussed above. No waving fist full of money at oncoming traffic = no staring at you over the hood of her car opened mouth in shock = no one sees money = no one interested in your life = no one sees your drug deal = no one calling police.
- Buy your drugs at night. Night = less light = can't see you buying drugs = no one calling police.
- Buy your drugs at some place other than a main road. Drugs bought in secret = no one seeing you buy drugs = no one calling police.
I hope that you find this information helpful Sir.
Your Future Attorney.