Thursday, January 04, 2007

Burping Meat

I had lunch meat for breakfast this morning. It wasn't so much a dietary decision as a this-is-what-I-have decision. The lunch meat, BH Londonport Roast Beef yummmm, has been giving me the burps. It is a little disconcerting to be burping lunch meat at 9:00 a.m. Though I ate the lunch meat at 8:00 a.m., so it shouldn't be that disconcerting. Anywho, this burping of the meat, it seems to have thrown me off my game. Ya see, somehow I just got suckered into going to the career fair. It went something like this:

Me: [Burp.] [Hmm, I taste meat. Weird.]
Crazy: Hi!
Me: [Uh oh. Warning, Will Rogers! Warning! Too perky.] Hi.
Crazy: I need a favor.
Crazy: I need you to go to the career fair.
Me: [FUKFUKFUKFUK] Is it at night again?
Crazy: Yep!
Me: Sorry. I can't go if it's on a Wednesday! Wednesday, no good. [Please let it be on a Wednesday, please, please].
Crazy: [Smiles.] [Looks evil.]
Me: Nope, Sorry. Have standing meeting on Wednesday. No can do. [Whew, I dodged that bullet.]
Crazy: It's JUST knitting.
Me: [GASP! Feeling light headed ... Deep breathes ... Burp ... Huh, lunch meat ... "Just knitting" my ass.]
Crazy: It's not fair that I have to go. I've gone two years in a row. This is a total lie. Moreover, she is the "managing attorney," why shouldn't she have to go and manage some career fair shit? I need someone to go and it's you.
Me: [Staring at her shaking head NO.]
Crazy: Don't you need some time off?
Me: I have standing plans on Wednesdays, I CAN NOT do it.
Crazy: Yes, but don't you have no time off left until May, I could give you a half-day off.

And this is where the meat must have messed with my head

Me: [Well, I would like some time off, and it is only two hours of work and I would be getting three and a half hours off so really I am making out on this because I am getting an extra hour and a half off. Humiliation be damned, this is a deal for me.] You'll give me a half-day off if I go to the career fair?
Crazy: Yes. But you have to take it that week.
Me: Fine [I am an idiot], I'll do it. [Pulls out calendar.] When is it?
Crazy: [Evil grin.] [Evil laugh.]
Me: [Fukfukfukfuk] What? When is it?
Crazy: Valentine's Day.
Me: NOPE! No way. No how. You can't do an end-run. I'm not doing it.
Crazy: Too late! HAHAHA! You already said yes! HAHAHA! [Starts jumping up and down/dancing.] You said you had knitting! No excuses! HAHAHA! [Throws pamphlet from career fair on my desk as she dances out.]
Me: [Thumps head on desk. Hard. Repeatedly.]

There are five people who could go for the office. Two are single, yet she tells me, one of the married ones, who likely has plans for Valentine's Day, that I need to go. So, I am "working" the public interest law career fair on Valentine's Day. And you know what, I am bringing my muthafuking knitting with me! I know that goes against the Yarn Harlot's "you shouldn't knit if someone is paying you to do something else rule" but, and there is always a but, we are the pariah of the career fair. We are generally ignored because we are known for our crazy-as-hell managing attorney. Don't get me wrong, we get law clerks because the job itself is pretty easy and they get paid even though it is public interest law, so it isn't too bad. That is, if you don't mind getting imprisoned in Crazy's office for hours on end while she pontificates on her blind cat, her amazing cooking, her great body, or her superb shopping skills. In any event, I hate going to the career fair because the other employers back away as if the crazy is contagious and the students, well they aren't much better. I start to get twitchy and sweaty. I went once (and I brought another attorney with me) and it was really bad (even with a person there to keep me company). I didn't know the crazy factor was known out in the world. I made pamphlets. I had a lot left. It was bad. I'd like to think that this career fair will be better and I will be able to network and find myself a new job and get the hell out of crazy land. Even though it is a new year and everything is going to be great this year, I'm not so sure that is gonna happen. It's kind of like winning the lottery. Nice to dream about, but unrealistic. So I'll bring my knitting. I'll make sure it is small so it can be done under the table. Hell, everyone thinks our office is staffed by whack-a-doodles anyway. Knitting can't hurt!

And all this meat burping as gotten me off topic too because I had a dream! A real dream, and I wanted to share! Lucky you! Heh. For real though, this is kind of neat. Miz Jones recommended I check out Elizabeth Zimmerman's no seam sweater and it got me to thinking. So last night I looked for one of her books that contained this at my LYS and found nothing. This could be because I was side tracked by my need to rip out four inches of one sock and another inch of the other because again my socks were coming out way too big even though they are for me and hello, shouldn't I know how big my own feet are by now? Anyway, I couldn't find any books that were by her and looked like they had this sweater pattern so I gave up and figured I would check in a book store later on. Well, it must have been on my mind because last night I dreamed that I had an Elizabeth Zimmerman top-down pattern book in my stuff from my aunt's.* And guess what? I do, sort of, maybe. When I woke up I remembered my dream and looked for the dreamed of book. I have this top-down book, though not Elizabeth Zimmerman, that tells you how to write your own sweater pattern!

I just wrote a paragraph telling you how odd yet cool I thought it was that the cover picture is of a man knitting. But then I realized that it was a woman, Lizbeth Upitis, so says the credits, and I felt bad about calling her a man. She probably is a perfectly nice, beautiful, feminine woman. The cover picture though? Not so feminine. A close look at the fingernails tipped me off. Then I checked the cover credits. So my bad. Sorry Lizzy.

Back to the book, I perused it and it seems like I can do this. Once I finish these now-less-long-but-probably-still-too-long socks, it will be on to sweater number two! I even have yarn. I think. I'll have to double check. Right after I take an antacid and stop these meat burps.

* I also had a dream that involved A-Rod, whip cream, and the winning lottery ticket. Unfortunately, none of these things were in my family room this morning when I woke up.

1 comment:

Brena said...

That is incredibly unfair! If I could go in your place I would. I'm single and I'd love to meet some cute lawyer men who are obviously single because they are at a career fair on Vday!

I love roast beef lunchmeat.