Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Snow & Scissors

I'm blogging about snow. Not because I've seen it, in like a million years (because hello record warm setting December I thought I left your hot-ass temperatures back in Florida), but because I wanna win some yarn. Yes, mercenary is thy name, thy name is also foolish, because we know me and games of chance are incompatible. But we're talking Lorna Laces here and I am nothing if not an optimist. Stop laughing! Anywho, let me tell you that I love me some snow. I love me some snow and hope it does snow at some point before oh, I turn forty, because I have never been sledding but now I have a snow sledding device I would really like to use. A lot. So please, let it snow. Just once this winter.

Though I am a lover of the snow, I hate driving in it. Actually, that isn't totally true. It's more that I hate driving with snow-removal morons. Por favor, let me explain.

Some of you New England folks, yes I'll limit my complaints to the folks I see though I suspect this is universal, are lazy pricks. Shit, I am trying to win some yarn, maybe I shouldn't say prick, oh well, too late, I've thrown in a shit too. Anyway, pricks ... it snows and you have left your car outside. The snow stops and you have somewhere you want to go so it is time to dig out and clean off your car. For some reason half the people I see never clean off the top of their cars. WTF?!? Having grown up in the land of sun, I never removed snow from a car until I was nearly 30 years old. Nonetheless, I figured out that it is most efficient to start a the top - the roof - and work my way down. I am not that smart or intuitive. It is just common sense. You are less likely to dirty up what you have already cleaned. That being said, I am deducing that the people that don't scrape the snow off their roofs are lazy assholes. (Prick, shit, now asshole, I am so not winning this yarn!) Even if you didn't see the logic to being with, I know you dicks (this doesn't count dick = prick) have seen the results. You are driving down the road when the snow comes flying off of the roof of the car in front of you. Sometimes it has sat up there for awhile and has turned into ice. All of sudden you are no longer traversing the roads to get to work, instead you are dodging asteroids in the Millennium Falcon. There is NO EXCUSE! Scrape the snow off of the roof of your car you lazy fuk because next time I swerve to miss a ice missile flying of the idiot car in front of me, I might swerve into your lane and push your ass of the road.

So, that is all I have to say about snow. I do have something to admit about scissors though. See, I have some old scissors. They were my moms. Me = sentimental. Therefore, I must keep them and use them. The prick (I am on a roll) that is now the head of her old office, he replaced my aunt, found some of my mom's crafting stuff tucked into my aunt's stuff. So he kindly (no sarcasm, he could have pitched them and I would never have known) decided to mail them to me. In a stationary box. Not wrapped. Well it happened to deluge (no mere rainstorm was this) and the post office had issues. I got the box in a clear bag, misted on the inside, with a sticker of apology from the post office. The box, and its contents, were pretty screwed up and the scissors, they had some little rust spots. Now they were old to begin with, probably 20 years old or so, so they weren't in the best shape to begin with, I know this. But the new rust. It irked me. I wanted to get them sharpened and cleaned up but I wasn't sure where. This is when I had my own bright idea. Me, bright idea = World, beware. The internet, when I was looking for scissor sharpeners, told me I could sharpen my scissors myself. Humph. Color me MacGyver. Now, instead of actually reading how I should do this, I developed my own methodology which involved the scissors, an emory board/nail file and a buffing block. As a former nail tech, I felt comfortable with these tools. With these tools, I can give you sharp little daggers on your finger tips.

Needless to say, however, even a good file and a thorough buffing will neither sharpen scissor nor remove their rust. Just so you know. After filing away for oh, an embarrassingly long amount of time, I realized this and quit. Then I went back to the internet. It seems you can sharpen scissors yourself, with a special tool.

1 comment:

Patty said...

I am guffawing at my desk here at work and people are looking at me funny. Haaa! Excellent story, you are entered into the contest. :-)