Not myTunes

I have a lot of CD's. They use to be stored nicely, in alphabetical order, in some hanging wall things. When we bought the house, the hanging wall things were put into service elsewhere and my CD's, they got tossed, unalphabetically much to my dismay, in random piles on a bookshelf in our sketchy basement. Due to the severe lack of organization, and my aversion to all things basement, I never go through them. I just listen to my mixes or repurchase stuff on iTunes. But a friend wanted to borrow a CD so I was forced to wade into my CD abyss. While searching, I realized my house has CD gnomes. Much of my good stuff? Missing! Weird stuff that I have no recollection of buying? Prolific.

For example, I have De-Phazz' Godsdog. What is this and where in the hell did it come from? Did I steal this from you? Now this CD has a snake on the cover. I am no lover of the snake. I would never buy an anything with a snake on it unless there was some serious love going on. I popped it in for a quick listen and recognized exactly zero songs. That's right. Not a one. Not much love there. Further, it is all smooth jazz stuff. Not my regular cup of tea. I have a few "cocktail party" CD's of smooth, jazzy stuff like twenty-seven versions of Take Five (as well as some Bebel and Astrud Gilberto and Gipsy Kings, thanks Joan!) but for the most part I like a little more angst in my music. Usually there is at least one ho' per song. This De Phazz, it has lyrics like "across the sea /across the deep blue sea/anchorless across the sea." In my regular music it would be "across the muthafukin deep blue sea/bitch/across the muthafukin deep blue sea." I can only determine that I must have stole this from someone. Maybe in a fit of "screw you!" Had I not been with my husband for the last fourteen years, I would think I took it from a boy who did me wrong as a final screw you by stealing his favorite album, but I don't have any of those situations in my past.

Another jewel? Seven Nations. Um, what is this? Where did it come from? I have no recollection of buying this or receiving it as a gift. Like De Phazz, not a single song sounds familiar. I think the gnomes must have dropped it off.

And how about two of the exact same Melissa Etheridge CD? Add that to my husband's copy, we have three. Seems a bit excessive, yes? Don't get me wrong, I love me some Melissa Etheridge, but why did I buy two of the same exact CD. Did I um, maybe steal one of these from you too?

I also have me some Madonna Erotica. Yah, I know you're jealous. There are like ten gazillion Madonna albums, most of which are awesome, but me, I've got the one that sucked. I'm so pleased. When the hell did I buy this and what drug was I on at the time? Note the one that I was looking for, The Immaculate Collection, gone! Did you steal that from me? Was that because I clept your De-Phazz?

I must have also been high when I purchased Billy Ray Cyrus' Achy Breaky Heart. Not only am I not a big country music fan, this man, HE HAS A MULLET. Maybe that is why I blocked this purchase out and do not remember it at all. Or, maybe, maybe the gnomes took my great 80's hit Tiffany and left Mr. Mullet behind. I hate you gnomes! The gnomes, I bet you they also took my The Eminem Show and left me Ricky Martin! Ricky-friggen-Martin. Are you kidding me? At least Ricky was hot and sans mullet.