Saturday, April 28, 2007

T Minus 5

In about five and a half hours, I am going to a friend's birthday dinner. Also known as The Dinner. Not the Atlanta/Miss Lambert party, this one is local. Which is good. I may need alcohol. In large quantities. I may also need a taxi. Note to self: Put taxi number on hand in PERMANENT marker. I am meeting my friend's new beau. Well he is new. But not. They met yesterday for the first time in their long distance/phone/internet relationship. So new in the sense that there has never been an in person meeting. He's staying for like a thousand days. In her apartment. Her one bedroom, small apartment. This can't be good. I love my friends that I've known for years, but they are only welcome for three days in my hugungo (comparatively) house. Then they're ass out. House guests are like fish, bad after three days. So, I am very nervous for my friend because this has the potential to be the longest ten days of her life. Which in and of itself could provide me with lots of laughs. I mean he could smell, have a weird love of flowers, not floss, leave the toilet seat up, only eat yellow foods (butter ... yummm), only wear one sock, shave with a machete, require blue flowered toilet paper, have a tick, be obsessed with midgets, wear underoos, and so on. Because everyone, no matter how nice and apparently normal, has a freak flag. The only question is how high does he fly it. Also, what if he isn't abnormally freakish, but instead is a closet cannibal or serial killer? Can I eat next to a guy with some other guy's bits stuck in his teeth? Guy bits ... I meant that in a cannibalistic way not in a blow job way, because really, who hasn't had a guy bits in their teeth every now and then?

So, The Dinner. As if the new dynamic of a budding relationship with the unknown serial killer Beau won't be interesting enough, another person is attending. Another person who I don't always get along with. And by not get along I mean this woman is the cheapest bitch in the whole wide world and if she tries to cheap out on her portion of dinner, I may very well do something unsightly. And violent. She tries to be discreet in her cheapness. I realize this is YOUR birthday dinner and my share is thirty dollars, but I only have a twenty, so even though you aren't suppose to pay a dime, pay my share and I'll get you back. It doesn't work. We know you are cheap. You mean get her back when hell freezes over, right? Everyone notices your cheap. Everyone gets pissed. No one says anything. But me. Then I am the dickhead. Which is cool. So long as you pay your part of whatever we are paying for because I AM NOT YOUR BANK. So if your share of dinner is X, you better have X, not Y. Also, if you get caviar and a bottle of Dom, and are a greedy non-sharer, then you better be paying for it all. S'all I got to say. Otherwise I will drag your ass to the ATM by your hair and make you get your money out. Wow. That sounds a bit angry huh? But I guess I am angry. I HATE CHEAP PEOPLE. If you can't afford something, then don't do it, buy it, or order it.

Anyway, The Dinner. I'm looking forward to it. It will be a great time. Hopefully not because The Boy is Wackadoodle or Cheapy Cheap is bludgeoned with her empty wallet.


Anonymous said...

No follow up..Was he really a serial killer? Is the entire dinner party dead? Or, perhaps you have been jailed for scalping another partier

Kaylea said...

Dinner was fine. We're all still healthy and in one piece... I think. We haven't heard from Cheapy Cheap since she left the restaurant, so perhaps I'm mistaken about the healthy thing.

If she isn't healthy, that would be because SPR tracked her down for her cheap ways which did surface during The Dinner.

I don't think The Boy came across as too much of a Whackadoodle... well, other than I think he did go above and beyond for this blog, but I'll let SPR post about that. ;)

Suz said...

I'M LIMITED TO ONLY 3 DAYS AT YOUR HOUSE! I don't even know what to say about that....