Monkeying Around in Utah

Dear Soon-to-be-Mom,

My birth mom, she is a crazy biatch! First she drags me on a plane and starts knitting away in public, while sitting in the middle seat and endangering those next to her. And, while she was knitting away she never noticed that she DROPPED MY BALL. Of course it rolls down a few rows and under some seats. I was so embarrassed. She had to CRAWL UNDER A STRANGE MAN'S LEGS (!!) to retrieve me. I thought that would take the cake, but no!

Once we got to Salt Lake City, she decided to take me to the Great Salt Lake.



Have you been to the Great Salt Lake? Sure it is pretty and beautiful and all that stuff, but, hello, salt smells. I fear I do too! I see a bath in my future. Grrr.

From there she took me and my smelly self to the Black Sheep Wool Company yarn store. This was really cool. It is a yarn store formerly owned by Nancy Bush. Yes, the Nancy Bush of sock pattern fame. It was like some sort of cosmic sock thing. I felt the good juju. She bought some of Nancy's local yarn which made me a little nervous since, yo, I'm not done being knit yet, but it needs bigger needles and she didn't bring any, waahaahaa!



She tried to class me up and get me some edumucation at the University of Utah (which some dummy tried to say was the real U but everyone knows there is only one U and it sure as shit ain't in Utah!).



Then she tried to get me some religion. This turned out to be a total dud. Sure, the temple and tabernacle were pretty, but all the scriptures about gays being bad and so forth got her TOTALLY hot under the collar.

When we left Salt Lake City, I thought I would be in for a break. Maybe even a nap. There is this whole time zone change thing goin' on that has me mentally messed up. But no. Turns out the big ole lush wanted a cider and a buffalo burger. That's right, buffalo.



I'm not sure how much more of this I can take. This woman, she is crazy! She is threatening to take me on a bobsled or a zipline. Her husband, he seems opposed, so I am hoping he wins this one. Yah never know what could happen to a poor little defense lil' Monkey when she's flying down a friggen bobsled with a lunatic!

Best Wishes,
Your Monkey