Recently it seems there have been several signs that the apocalypse may in fact be real and knocking on my door. So, lest you think I am crazy, I share with you the top four (I know four is a queer number but the fifth sign has not shown itself yet, so we are going with four) signs that the apocalypse is here.
Four - Yarn. As in, I have all of this beautiful plentiful yarn, and yet I don't have enough of anything suitable for a Clapotis. How is this possible? It's like, so unbelievable, kinda of like ...
Three - A rookie throws a no hitter in his second game start. And he plays for the Red Sucks. This should not be possible. Greatness isn't suppose to rise from shit.
Two - Flies. We've been bombarded with house flies and we don't know where they came from. Last night we (and by we I totally mean my husband, I just kind of directed) killed five muthafukin flies. They appeared out of no where while we were watching a movie. We don't leave the doors open, we don't even open our windows which all have screens. We are a hermetically sealed, air conditioned loving type people content to lounge in and breath our recycled air. Also, we took the dead body out of the basement over a week ago. There is absolutely no reason for the flies.
And finally, the number one sign that the apocalypse may be real and on it's way - My used purse is worth more than our used car. Yes folks, after multiple inquiries into the seedy underbelly of car dealings, it seems that my purse is worth about $200 more than our car. Yes the car has 220,000 miles on it. But still. The car runs, transports my husband 18 miles to work and 18 miles home each day. It can transport four, somewhat comfortably, hundreds of miles. My purse can't do that. It spends the majority of its time loafing on someone or something else. It swings on my arm or chills on a hook in my office, holding things like gum wrappers and receipts. Again I ask, how is this possible. And, in a delicious little twist, the guy that "valued" our car saw my purse and commented on how he use to get them in Germany for $10. Yes, he thought my purse, that is worth more than my car, was fake.
You may want to utilize a five foot buffer zone when interacting with me should I spontaneously combust.