Gawdammit! I missed Ten on Tuesday, AGAIN! I was so psyched to do this and now, now, I've repeatedly spit the bit. So in honor of this weeks miss ('10 Things to Do Before You Get Married'), I am going for Ten On [cough, cough] Thursday ... BUT before I do, I have a short little Crazy tale to share.
As I walked into the office this morning, Crazy was lurking behind a door or something because I never saw her. When I went to check my mailbox she popped up behind me and said, "Hi!" Startled, I turned around and greeted her with a, "Good morning." She then just starts rambling on and on about some woman at her gym who is pregnant. She is going on and on and I am starting to tune out when she says, "And I told her your breasts really filled out. They look full today." Um, WHAT THE FUCK? And now, on with my list ...
'10 Things to Do at Work Before Going on Maternity Leave'
10. Create a countdown clock listing the days, hours and minutes you have left. Ensure that the countdown is written in several places so that you can always catch a soothing glimpse when the crazy factor amps up (like say your boobs are critiqued by your psycho boss). FYI, my clock reads the rest of today plus two and a half more days, or about 22 hours, or 1,320 minutes, or 79,200 seconds, give or take a few.
9. Practice looking slightly sad at the thought of missing three months of work. Just because you can't win an Oscar for your performance, doesn't mean you shouldn't act as if you can. Bonus points if you can tear up, without actually spilling a tear, and get the quivering lip going all the while laughing manically on the inside.
8. Go through your desk and pull out all of the old resumes and job applications you've filled out for other, less crazy places. Pack them up and bring them home to shred. Why tempt the crazies by throwing them out at work?
7. Copy and export your bookmarks of blogs and online shopping and porn, e-mail them to yourself and then delete them from your computer's hard drive. No need for some nosey fuck to find out that you like to read about one armed, albino, zombie prostitutes and celebrity gossip while you search for deals on shoes.
6. Check office food items for expiration dates. Triscuits gonna expire before you return? Be kind, give them to a co-worker. M&M's gonna go bad? Open that mouth and start eating!
5. Copy all of your work files and bring them home with you. It's good to have copies of all of the crap you've done over the years in case you are asked not to return.
4. Get on your hands and knees and look under your desk. You might find ... a safety pin, a peanut M&M, a phone message from 2005, a knitting marker, and some dental floss.
3. Copy, print, e-mail and re-print the memo concerning your maternity absence and when you are leaving and returning. This is your insurance should someone claim that you need to be back at work now and demand an early return.
2. Scour the cabinet of office supplies for anything that you might need over the next three months ... like post it notes, an easy, non-toxic way to have your newborn remind you of things like "feed me"; and, paperclips, McGyver uses them for everything, you probably can too; and, rubber gloves, good for sketchy inmate mail AND diaper blow outs.
1. Plan your celebratory dance for when you make it to your last day without killing anyone, while at the same time perfecting your alibi in case you don't make it.