Monday, March 24, 2008


"Um, excuse me! Um, ma'am??" This phrase seems so innocuous, that is, until you turn around to answer and see yards of bright colored yarn blowing in the breeze and connecting your purse to ... some place far off in the distance. And, at the same time, you realize that "Um, excuse me! Um, ma'am??" was a polite way of saying, "Um woman, you have created a yarn road block which is preventing me from wheeling my father in this honking wheel chair out to our car. You need to move your shit."

This morning I had my early morning NST and grabbed a sock for entertainment. A sock that I had re-started (again) this weekend and had finally just given up on, and picked a pattern and committed to a plan. So, I had my sock to knit on and when I parked my car, I carefully put my knitting and my cellphone in my purse. Apparently I wasn't as careful as I thought because at some point after exiting my car, I dropped the ball of yarn. And then walked into the hospital. All along creating multiple yarn road blocks over sidewalks and parking lots.

After I realized my yarn gaffe, i.e, I realized why the woman was calling me, I quickly started to retrace me steps while grabbing up my yarn. I apologized to the woman and her wheelchair-bound father, and joked that I must have dropped my yarn in my car and ha! isn't this embarrassing, ha! And then I apologized again, because man I felt like an ASSHOLE. I retraced my steps, frantically grabbing my yarn and following the trail, across the sidewalk and parking lot, and down a flight of stairs. I grabbed up yarn and grabbed up yarn and thought about stopping to take a picture because ha, it was embarrassing AND funny, but I didn't want to stop or slow down with the grabbing of the yarn.

So, anyway, I was frantically grabbing handfuls of yarn from bushes and concrete walls where it had been snagged and taking down yarn stuck on stair handles. I even had to unwind it from the antenna of some random car. I kept grabbing and walking, grabbing and walking, and that is when I realized that my yarn, it didn't go to my car. No, it went out across the parking lot, into the road, across the road and then, somewhere else, somewhere I couldn't see because my vision, it is not the best. I think it was at that moment that the whole situation then went from funny and embarrassing to nauseating and embarrassing and just bad. My mind registered the never ending yarn and in trying to make sense of it, deduced that I dropped my yarn between my car and the stairs, and another car had HIT MY YARN, causing it to stick to the car and dragging it to god-only-knows. In other words, I was grabbing up yarn roadkill.

Now, you have to realize, my appointment was first thing in the morning and all of these doctors and nurses were showing up for work, briskly walking into the hospital, and here I am swimming against the stream, following some bright colored string, wadding it up, muttering to myself, and looking somewhat panicked because WHAT THE FUCK? I am sure they thought I was a head case. And, honestly, at that point, I was a bit of a head case. I had probably picked up about fifty yards of yarn and was totally coming unglued. I wasn't sure if I should just try to break the yarn, leaving the remaining yarn behind, and skitter off to my appointment or if I should keep going and grabbing because then end had to be near. My brain would say, "Leave it! Who cares if it is blocking the sidewalk, people can go under it. No! Pick it up! I mean really, how far can it go? You can't finish the sock without the yarn and the sock, well you still have that part." My mind was racing and would interrupt itself with other thoughts like, "Shit, how long does this go on for? What should I do? Will I be able to make it on time to my appointment?" So me = unglued, unhinged, and panicky.

I was still picking up yarn, trying to configure a plan and freaking the fuck out on the inside, as I approached the main security guard gate entrance area to the parking lots. The guard lady saw me, started to stand up and exit her guard house and I was just about to lose my shit. Like for real. Shit? Gonna lose it. And this was the precise moment when I saw that there is no more yarn. No nice ball waiting to be picked up. No, my yarn was just a ripped end, blowing across two lanes of traffic and into the breeze.

So, I did what any other head case would do, I said, "MUTHERFUCKER!" as I executed a one-eighty, and walked the other direction, back towards the entrance. All the while madly winding the yarn into a mess as quickly as I could and hoping against hope that another car did not rollover my yarn, creating tension, and jerking me back on my ass. Once I got the wad into a containable, um, wad, I shoved it into my pocket and made my way to my appointment, thinking ... this is funny, this fucking funny, it will be a good blog post, you should have taken pictures as you were following the yarn trail, you need to relax, you're fine, this really was funny, ha ha, funny. I never quite convinced myself of this (and even now, looking back, I still get that panicked HOLY SHIT WHAT DO I DO? feeling).

Despite my angst, I got to my NST and I was on time, with three minutes to spare actually, and once I was checked in and shuffled over to my regular room, I learned that my regular NST nurse was out today. Now my NST nurse is good. She sees me twice a week and knows where Lady Bean likes to chill. She gets me hooked up right away and then measures the fluid lickety split. Assuming Lady Bean behaves, I can be in and out in thirty minutes or so. But a new person, well that might be a little longer which would be no big deal except my knitting, the thing I do while I sit there and um, gestate, well it is a big ole clusterfuck.

But I figured this was fine, no big deal, I could untangle my yarn and see what, if any, of it was salvageable. So I started to untangle. And then I untangled some more. I removed twigs and then untangled some more. Somehow in my frantic parking lot winding, I had created a big fat knot. A knot that was evil and unwilling to untangle nicely. And then, while struggling with the tangled wad of knottedness, I dropped the partially wound ball that I had managed to make and of course it rolled across the room. Which sucked extra hard because I was strapped to a machine and couldn't go fetch it. So I had to pull it. Pull it while unwinding the progress I had made, and causing me to start the whole damn balling process all over. Eventually I did managed to control the uncontrollable and ended up with a very small ball.

How this stretched as far as it did, I have no idea, because really, this a joke. What the hell can I knit with this little yarn? I sure as shit can't finish the sock I started since all I had was a heel and a bit of foot.

Of course, because nothing else was going well, Lady Bean was uncooperative and after the adrenaline high of chasing yarn just wanted to snooze. So not only did I not have anything to entertain myself with, I had to sit there an not entertain myself for over an hour and a half. Which basically meant I sat sulking over my sock situation.

In case you were curious, I had started to make the Socks of Kindness, in ped form, using my Sweet Peas yarn. I have half a ball chilling with a toe I started awhile back, and I have the mess from this morning. The yarn makes weird colored somewhat unattractive stripes, so it isn't like I've lost a masterpiece, but still, I am cheap enough (and hormonal enough) to be irked over the whole damn thing.

I suspect this will be one more pile o' yarn that goes to a new home ... or to yarn heaven via the fireplace.

1 comment:

handknitbyafailedfeminist said...

OMG, I can just image your scramble! I hate to say it athis point but I think the yarn is kinda cute. Bet there's enough left for baby socks!