I Wish

I spent today in jail. Visiting clients. Not like, in an inmate sort of way. My clients all seemed to be "actin' a fool" so I'm sure my disposition was a little less patient than normal by the time I left. And that may be why, while I was driving home, I kept getting annoyed with the people driving around me. Dumbasses, every last one. And I said to myself, Self, if I ruled the world, I would totally smite these piss poor drivers out of existence, or at least out of my way. Kind of like Q in Star Trek: The Next Generation. Not only was Q sexy as hell, but he could totally zap people out of existence. Wouldn't that be a fun power? That got me to think about what else I would do, if I ruled the world. So, if I ruled the world, for like five minutes ...

When my Crazy boss sheds a fake tear, I'd kick her in the shin. Hard. Without repercussion.




My favorite Alabama Shrimp Bake would make itself for dinner.






Peter Pan would send me a life time of free peanut butter since I took a ride on its salmonella train.

Knitting pattern directions would always make sense and have no errata.

My cell phone would quit shouting out the name and number of the person calling me, before the damn thing rings. I've googled this issue, repeatedly. I've read the manual. Heck, I've even asked kids for help. No luck.





When I paint pottery, I would be able to see the colors as they will actually appear, not how I'd like them to appear. My ode to Mondrian is more of an ode to Southwestern kitsch.




My dog would quit creating a pet toy cemetery under the couch and then crying because she can't get the toys out. Dog needs to learn toys can checkout, but they can never leave ... without my help. Which I am not giving now, so QUIT STARING AT ME!

My hair would NEVER EVER get frizzy. Not in rain, sleet, snow, or nuthin. All smooth all the time, that would be my hair.

If I dreamed that I was speaking Spanish, French, or um, Martian fluently, then when I woke up, I would really speak Spanish, French, or Martian fluently.




My sweater would knit itself AND the hand dyed yarn would be more similar, uniform or something so that I didn't have to alternate between balls every other row. Can you say, "pain in the ass!"





Men would be banned from wearing velvet sports coats.

Beautiful shoes would be comfortable. The better looking the shoe, the more comfortable it would be.