Whew!

My Sockapalooza 4 Pal, blogless Sandy of Plano, Texas, received her socks and she loves them and they fit! Yeah baby! I am so relieved and so happy.

And, for those of you that questioned my sanity of sending chocolate, to Texas, in the summer, who didn't think to question me before I sent the chocolate only to do so after it was TOO DAMN LATE so thanks for nuthin', well guess what beeznatches, IT DIDN'T MELT ALL OVER EVERYTHING! Or, if it did, Sandy didn't tell me, so we'll just assume it was all good since we are lacking evidence to the contrary!

Godspeed Little Monkeys

I mentioned yesterday that I mailed my Sockapalooza Pal's socks yesterday. And by "I", I mean "my husband" but we'll just pretend it was me and that I am not super suckey at making sure things get mailed out on time without a little help. Anyway, they were sent off priority mail to their new home, but not before I cleaned them up and packed them in.

As you may remember, these little socks have had quite a journey. They were attacked by my ball winder, well actually they were attacked by my ineptitude, with my ball winder merely the instrument of my evil, or, um, idiotic, ways. They flew across the country to Utah where they tanned at the Great Salt Lake, hung with some Mormans, and drank some booze. They also rode a zipline and an alpine slide, sat in a bobsled, rode on a chair lift, chilled at Sundance, and fell down a mini-mountain. From Utah they went to Colorado where they went to an amusement park, went swimming, checked out a couple of Continental Divides, saw some Yankee baseball, ran from some moose, and ate with many dead animals. From Colorado they went to San Francisco where they were locked up, biked up and over a really long bridge, watched Barry Bonds hit a home run, and enjoyed some pretty scenery. Once they were back at there temporary home again, they relaxed and recuperated with some John From Cincinnati (which they still don't get but totally enjoy). With calm restored, they were ready to be sent off to their new home.

But first, the little suckers needed a good bath. So I whipped out a packet of Soak (which I loved so much that I went out and bought a bunch more of the little packet sized Soaks because they are the perfect size for sink washing socks and a lot easier to deal with than a bottle, well at least for me, maybe this is totally inefficient, but it works for me so let's move on) and bathed the hell out of them. I made sure to wash behind their ears and put on their clean underwear to help insure that they make a good impression on their new mom.



Once they were clean and dry, I buckled them in, left some sustenance and a few other little things, wished them well, and sent them on their way.



I hope their new mom likes them!

Hooray Socks!

Last night I received my socks from Carol, my Sockapalooza Pal, and I totally lurve them lots.



The yarn, Cherry Tree Hill, and the pattern, I think it is the Crosshatch Lace pattern in More Sensational Knitted Socks by Charlene Schurch, knitted up nice and sproingy and feel fabulous. The socks not only look great, they fit great too!



Thank you Carol!

P.S. The title to this post is a nod to one of the more enjoyable group of commercials out there. Hooray Beer!

Stained

I think I may have mentioned that we are working on constructing my Yarn Room. And, well, still working on it. In the "progress" column we have trim painted, wall touch-ups touched-up, ceiling touch-ups touched-up, bookshelf frame stained, and rug purchased and placed. In the "will this ever end" column we have shelves, oh god the shelves, to finish staining, the other book case to stain (and can I just take a moment to comment on how absolutely miserable staining is? I have stained myself more than the furniture. But for the wonder of acetone, I would be a mahogany color right now!), and putting everything in and away. The latter of which is going to be sheer torture. I would whet your appetite with a before picture, but alas, I didn't take any. Whoopsie!

Anyhizzle, normally I would be hating the whole "going to work with all of this home repair shit in flux" thing, since I would rather be home slaving away on the room then at work slaving away on work, but today, not so much. Because Crazy? On vacation for an entire glorious week. So guess what, I am going to get some work done and then I am getting some knitting done! Yahoo! I haven't knit in ages, or um, since last Wednesday's SnB, same thing really. I have a gusset, a heel, and a bit of cuff and then the Wild Kat socks are ready to be worn.

Tomorrow I will have some knitting content for you, in that knitting content means, info and a picture or two of my Sock Pal's socks be sent off into the big bad world. I have visions of packing the box all pretty-like, filling it with nice little treats to compliment the socks and lining it with sugar plums, and pixie dust. I have visions of pictures so pretty, your heart will beat in excited thumps just hoping that the socks and their box of fun will be yours all yours. But this might be a hallucination due to stain fumes.

Status Quo

So far this morning, I:

• broke a buckle on my shoe;
• dropped my water bottle twice, spilling water in my car trunk and losing the bottle lid;
• had my microwave safe container of beefaroni (breakfast of champions) explode so violently in the microwave that the rubber lid (with, ironically, holes to allow air to escape and prevent explosions) left a prefect outline in sauce on the microwave door front window where it hit;
• fell off my chair; and,
• dropped a contact lens on my office bathroom floor - eewww!

You could say that I have a case of the Mondays, but I am still in a decent mood, so maybe not. I figure my recent turn in luck is to balance my fabulous weekend where I spent relaxing hours on the beach knitting away, fun hours chasing my husband and dog at the park, and productive hours finding missing things like my glasses and my bracelet. Also, I have JFC chilling in my DVR for tonight's viewing pleasure and salmon chilling in the fridge for tonight's dining pleasure, so how bad can today be? Did I just tempt fate to show me? Damn that was dumb. JFC will have been miraculously erased and my fish will have ptomaine. Now THAT would suck!

I had thought about calling out sick today because there is a fun party thing at my husband's office this morning. But I decided not to, which may have been smart since several other people in my office are out today. Or, it may have been dumb since that means there are less people to keep Crazy occupied and out of my office. If it turns out that my husband's morning is gobs of fun and I am stalked by Crazy, I may change my perspective on the day. I may also have a banana daiquiri for lunch, hold the banana, and the ice.

On the knitting front, I finished one of my Wild Kat socks and have started the toe of the other. I have also done several repeats on the Monkeys and am ready to start the gusset. I decided to heed your advice and send only the original Monkeys as planned but also, as suggested by Rebecca, add a note indicating I am (crazy) fearful that the socks might be too snug and so have a pair of peds set aside in case the Monkeys are too tight. To be fair, and for full disclosure, it wasn't so much y'all that convinced me as much as the fact that I love how these new socks are knitting up. They are a little loose on me, but not so lose that I can't keep them.

Um, What?

People! I have found my stitch guagerthingamajiggy. What? You didn't know it was missing? Well it was. Just one more thing in the series of things I have lost (including but not limited to my brain which I don't miss so much and my glasses which I totally do miss). But missing no more, is my stitch gauge. I found it and decided to celebrate by bringing it to work this morning. Yah, what the hell kind of celebration is that, I have no idea. But I was so happy to see it, I threw it in my purse where, consequently, it will get lost again.

Not lost is the poodle wine bottle cover that winged its way to Opa and is now being loved (in ways that I can only hope are legal). Opa said he'll 'hug him, and kiss him and squeeze him and call him George.'* Okay, maybe I added the George part. And cleaned up the reported signs of affection for my G-rated audience. Heh!

I do realize that some dirty pervs could put things other than wine bottles in the poodle cover, but since Opa is not that much of a dirty perv, I am sure things will be fine. And let's see if I can pull this out of the gutter now? Umkay? So, Opa, wine, poodle. He did comment that George (I guess that name is going to stick now) is much nicer than the poodle wine bottle cover he purchased on eBay. Huzzah. I am sure that this is because of the fantabulous tiny face pompoms that KAN made. She rocks! I think we should go into business and mass produce Georges. We would first need to create a market, but how hard can that be? There is a sucker born every minute. Two words: Pet. Rock.

And, unrelated, two more words: Ravelry. Flickr. I've been a member of Ravelry for a little bit now and have been somewhat of a dud as an active participant. Mostly because you need a Flickr account to upload your photos. Bah, I say, bah! Thus far, that is my one and only complaint. I love searching the site and looking at other people's projects and I'd love to add my projects, if for no other reason than for my own personal enjoyment, but I hate the thought of having to open a new account (obviously I don't have a Flickr account) and then uploading pictures over there first, before being able to put them on Ralvery. And that, is all I have to say on that.

But I do have something to say about Sockapalooza, or more like something to bemoan, because I am crazy, and also, because I have not bemoaned enough of late. As if. Heh. So. Last night at SnB, my friend L was knitting a pair of Broadripple socks (which are gorgeous an strikingly similar to my Chevron socks and something I now definitely need to add to the things-I-may-one-day-knit-if-only-there-were-34-hours-to-a-day-or-if-I-could-quit-my-job-and-get-paid-to-knit-stuff-for-me-and-only-me list) for her Sockapalooza Pal. Which is really nice. But she already knit a beautiful pair for her pal. And these Broadripples are a second pair of just-in-case-the-others-don't-quite-fit variety.

Now, being that I am a jerk, I was all, "Nooo, the others will totally fit. (Totally true. I do think they will fit.) You so do not need to make a second pair!" And she was all, "But what if they don't fit? These are a little bigger and stretchier so they will totally fit." And I was all, "Well then you should keep the first pair for yourself. (Because the first pair is awesome and also, it is setting a bad precedent of being too generous!)" And yes, you probably have noticed that shows that she is generous and nice and I'm assholian and selfish, but whatever, that is not the point. Focus!

So, after seeing her act of kindness, I started thinking and getting nervous that my pal's Monkeys wouldn't fit and that I was totally deluding myself into thinking that they will. When I got home I pulled them out and tried them back on again. Now it may have been the excessive amount of caffeine in my system (love you B&N cafe), it may be that I am gaining fat in my feet and ankles, it may have been that someone broke into my house and swapped out the Jungle Stripe Monkeys I knit with another pair of Jungle Stripe Monkeys, or it may be that my mind was messing with me, but I swear the things felt not at all loose. Which they should since my pal's feet are bigger than mine! They felt like they fit normal but not with a lot of extra stretch. Soooo, I say crap. And hell. And damn. And even fuck!

And I say now I have a dilemma, and I have a solution, I think. I want opinions. Por favor. So here is what I am thinking. I am going to send my pal the Monkeys that I made for her. No question about that. But, I am thinking of hopping on the L train and also sending my pal another pair of socks as a just-in-case-the-others-don't-quite-fit pair. But, because I am not a super speedy awesome knitter like L, and also because I have basically a week, I am thinking of a ped (my latest trend in sock knitting, or the sock of sock knitting slackers, depending on your point of view). Specifically, a ped that is knit toe-up, with the monkey pattern on the top and a picot edge/bind off. This sounds like a great little ped in general huh? And it sounds totally doable in a week. Right? I even have the red yarn I was originally thinking about using for my pal just waiting to be used.

So here's my question ... do I knit the ped and cover my bases in case I am not being crazy and the original Moneys are too tight, or do I say, "Pushaw! They will fit!" and blindly go on with my current socks for me as if I don't have a care in the Sockapalooza world?



* Mistress Google has let me down and not been able to tell me where that quote really came from and the best my husband can do is tell me it was form a cartoon. Oy! Where is Miss Cleo when you need her?

Surfing With My Monkeys?

I didn't finish the laundry, paint my toe nails, scrub the stove, or black top the driveway this weekend, but I did do something. Oh yes I did! I finished my
Pals' Monkeys during a John From Cincinnati marathon. And I'm not sure quite where to go with this. Do I tell you about the socks or the show? Because dude, that show is WEIRD! Wickey wackety, what the hell is happening, that may have been funny but I still don't get it, weird. We had DVR'd the show and this weekend and while the husband was away, I had a chance to watch all four hours of, um, what, I don't get it. Of course no one I know is watching this, and the husband hasn't had a chance to watch it yet, so I can't ask WHAT THE HELL? The show has made me laugh which may be because I am too dumb to get it, or it might really be funny, either way I am sticking with it and hope to get a handle on what is going on sometime soon. So I am confused by the show (and a little in love with Austin Nichols) and I have a real urge to go surfing, which in light of my natural ability (none), and despite the hours of surf lessons I took in Hawaii (I mean, shouldn't I be able to learn to surf there of all places?), is ridiculous. I should NOT be near a surf board unless I am using it as a raft to perfect my tan.

So, that is my take on John From Cincinnati, which could have been said in one sentence instead of a whole paragraph. To wit, I don't understand this show but I'm going to keep on watching because I heart John.



Even though I was stumped by the show, I was I able to complete the Monkeys. I am pleased with how they came out, and I hope my pal is too! The color in the the middle picture right above it pretty spot on, when you are close up. When you back away the color does change to something similar to the color in the first and last pictures. It's neat. The socks are a little loose on me so I believe they will fit my pal perfectly since her feet are a little bigger than mine. Please, oh please, let them fit! Let there be enough ease! Now I just need to pack them up all nice and pretty, wait for August 2, and hope that she likes them!



Yarn: Lorna Laces, Shepherd Sock, Color 302, Jungle Stripe
Needles: Addi Circs, size 2.5 mm (US 1)
Pattern: Monkey (modified to add eight more stitches)
Time: 20 days.
Care: Machine washable.

C'est Moi

I have taken away blogging control from the Monkeys because all they do is bitch bitch bitch. You think they would have enjoyed our nice peaceful vacation out west. But nooo, to hear them tell it, you would think it was all disregard and neglect sprinkled with moments of terror. Silly socks. It was a great trip.

As previously noted, I did end up sunburned after thirteen innings of afternoon baseball. A sunburn that my hat somehow did not protect me from, nor did the sunscreen. A sunburn that left white marks along the side of my face from where my sunglasses were, but red everywhere else. Let me tell you, now that it is peeling, I'm looking ten types of hot. I have to beat the men (and women) off with sticks. Nothing stirs desire like peely discolored facial skin. Nothing. I also managed to sunburn the top of my hands. Also very sexy.

The trip was a bit of a money drain as I bought too many souvenirs. And yes, one was from Louis Vuitton. But dude, I so needed a new, bigger, much bigger, wallet. It wasn't so much a souvenir as a necessity. It's not like I bought a purse or a suitcase, though I may have been tempted. Same with the stuff from Lush. Also necessities since I am a flakey sunburned freak. The yarn and the jewelry, they were more of the emotional necessities. Things that make you smile. Yes, rationalization is a fabulous thing.

Speaking of yarn, here is a picture of my loot. The colors don't look quite right, but since the picture was taken while stuff was still in my suitcase, I can't say that it is much of a surprise! My overall haul was quite tame if you ask me. The Artfibers sock yarn is in the upper left. It is Valparaiso. A wool/alpaca blend. I was skeptical when it was first shown to me but once I knit it up I found it stretchy and feel goody. There were two other yarns recommended as sock yarn, but neither knitted up sockaliciously. The other two Artfiber yarns are going to be scarves. I think. The two purples off to the right are the Utah yarns. I was told these are made by Nancy Bush (or her company). It is a thicker gauge (I am thinking US 2's would work nicely) which means it will knit up quickly.

Can I take a moment to vent on the state of wifi in American hotels? How is it that when we stayed at the Park City Best Western the wifi was free, but we get to a nice hotel like The Brown Palace or The Westin St. Francis the wifi is not free, it is twenty dollars a day! Let me get this straight, I can pay eighty bucks a night and get free wifi, but if I pay two hundred plus bucks a night you want to charge me for the wifi. Are these people high?

Moving on. I think you may have gathered that I did not get much knitting done, despite all of the driving because I was too busy gawking at the scenery or smoking crack. Even though I was cracked up, I did finish both heels, and have hope to complete the Monkeys this weekend. Maybe then I can finish unpacking and write a proper thank you for my friend. Because saying "THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!" doesn't seen like enough.

Remember my hexed yarn, the yarn I tried to knit into Sideways Socksthirty different ways and could never make work? The yarn I was going to burn in the fireplace, but instead ended giving to my friend. Well, recently she was working on the yarn and making some really pretty socks. She would say the hex was gone and I would giggle thinking, just wait! Well shows you what I know! That is a pair of Naga socks, knit with 100% de-hexed yarn for yours truly! Yes, my friend decided to make me socks from my own hexed yarn. So again I say, THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! I love them from the pretty pattern, to the picot edge, to the perfect fit. Yeah Socks!

Last Stop, San Fran!

Holy Crap Peeps! It is Gay Pride Week in San Francisco and I am all gay pride colors! (In case you forgot, we are still pretending that I am in San Fran since I wrote this while I was there but had no internet connection since knitter mom was a cheapskate and refused to pay twenty bucks a day for wifi.) Several random strangers have offered to take me to the transgendered parade but my knitter mom fears I may never return. Also, what can a sock transgender into? I'm totally looking forward to my new home, but ending this "how can we torture the Monkeys" vacation sooner than anticipated makes the parade tempting. More so in light of my most recent experiences.

The knitter woman, she locked me up at Alcatraz! That's right. Then she bought some gasp acrrrr ..., I'm not sure I can say this. She bought some acrrrryyyyylllllliiccc yarn there too! Apparently the inmates at Alcatraz were allowed to knit and knitting is souvenir appropriate. I tried to tell her that just because it is a knitting related souvenir at a prison didn't mean it had to come home with her, but did she listen? Noooo! Something about kismet. Kismet my arse. The fool paid twenty bucks for acrylic yarn and cheap wooden needles!



She did mitigate the acr, acryllll, the yarn from Alcatraz with some awesome stuff from Artfibers. There was some neat brown sock yarn, some pretty red scarf yarn, and this poison green stuff she just loved. She was glad she had seen Cara's blog entry over at January One or she would have never known about the joy of Artfibers.

She even got to make to tiny swatches. The sales girl/yarnmonger told her they could be bigger, but she didn't want to be gluttonous. With yarn, let me tell you, she is gluttonous with the food on our trip, good gawd does she eat! She did get to take a picture of me at the "tasting area" which is unusual. The yarn girl told her she could take "just one" though, so she did, with a smile and a thank you!



I also got to experience the Golden Gate Bridge. And I do mean, experience the bridge. Crazy ass knitter mom and her husband BIKED the bridge. Mind you, she hadn't ridden a bike in years. Like ten years or more. And she is NOT coordinated. Somehow she didn't fall or drop me. But she did scare the daylights out of me. She would scream or giggle hysterically if people rode next to her and since she is a slow biker, many real bikers rode next to her as they passed. Speaking of real bikers, I think she also scared them in a Oh-boy-Crazy-tourist-nearby kind of way. Every time she passed a real biker, she dinged her handlebar bell. Let me tell you, I was SO embarrassed. Yes, they know you are a tourist by the bike, do you have to add to it with all of that bell ringing?



The wind was insane, as were the hills. I was sure I was going to fly out of her bike pouch. I was also sure I was going to never make it because knitter mom didn't understand the whole gear thing and couldn't figure out why she was having such a hard time getting up the hills. Eventually her husband had to explain, use the finger gear thing, not the thumb, because "high" and "low" were beyond her. But you know, as ridiculous as she was, it was a fun part of the trip. I mean, how many socks ride a bike across the Golden Gate Bridge?

San Fran hasn't been all madcap craziness though. There was some baseball, some garlic fries at the baseball park (totally disappointing - they smelled a thousand times better than they tasted), and some more baseball.





I got to see a Barry Bonds home run. Even if he is the biggest cheater in baseball, it was a bit of history. I also got to watch knitter mom get a funny sunburn during the thirteen innings of the second game we saw. Hehe! She ended up with a white forehead (protected by her had), a red chin and cheeks, and a real pretty outline of her sunglasses. I figure that was cosmic retribution for dangling me out of the car window so many times!

Even though I didn't get lucky on my date in Denver, I did get some romance at The View bar.



I also tried to run off and get some "romance" at the Green Door massage and sauna place, but knitter mom said no. Something about not having enough money for antibiotics since she had purchased her souvenirs already.



So our trip is all but done. We have a red eye flight home, and I am hoping she will get to knitting on us. But you never know. She might see more scenery she has to stare at or something else so less important than we are. Either way, we seemed to have survived this vacation and are so use to traveling that the trip to our new mom's home will be a piece of cake.

Monkeys Loose In Colorado

Hello Peeps! Monkey socks here, still (we haven't been lost despite a moment of panic that maybe half of us was lost) giving you a shout out from Colorado! Last you heard I was in Utah (remember how there was wonky Wifi and so we pretended I was not home safe and sound, unharmed by my traveling knitter .... well we are still pretending ... pretending I am still on vacation). So, after a mouthful of Mormans, we moved on, onto Colorado.

A state, I might add, where my abuse continued! First, it was in Glenwood Springs. I was taken on an Alpine Slide at the Cheesiest-Amusement-Park-In-The-West (yes, the ride was awesome, but I think part of that was adrenaline and fear for my life thing, I mean, the park had her sign a waiver in case she died, she didn't have to sign a waiver in Utah for those rides, and furthermore, I didn't get to sign the waiver, no one asked me, I would have never signed a waiver, I have a bright future ahead of me, I am going to a good home where the people are nice, no sir, I would have never waived squat!) and then I was taken to some hot springs.

It was all bass-ackwards! Traveling knitter mom takes me OUT INTO THE OPEN on a the ride of DEATH, where I should not have been permitted to see the light of day, but then leaves me in a bag, on a chair, while she frolics in the hot springs (and dives off a diving board being the only adult other than her husband, much to the amusement of all of the people watching but not the kids waiting in line for the old people to hurry the hell up and get off the diving board) when she could have been knitting on me. When do I get to come out and partake of the relaxing hot springs? When she is drying off and ready to leave. Grrrrr.



We took a drive to Aspen which was really pretty, though I thought it was kind of mean to HANG ME OUT OF AN OPEN WINDOW OVER A CLIFF just so she could get a picture. Yah, pretty, beautiful, now BRING ME BACK INTO THE CAR! And the drive along Independence Pass was great (had we not been worried about the flashing blinking neon gas light and how hard it would be to push the rent-a-wreck, also called the Rav-Whore, thirty or so miles, we could have really enjoyed the scenery, as well as the three red Ferraris that were hauling ass up and down the mountain at insane speeds). I was a little cold at the continental divide on Independence Pass since I still do not have a heel (like woman, could you please quit gawking at the scenery and start knitting? Driving is prime knitting time! What the hell is wrong with you?)




I know it didn't have anything to do with the real Twin Peaks and I sure as shit am not a camping kind of sock (I need my creature comforts like air conditioning, room service, and a phone book full of "masseurs"), but I liked checking out the Twin Peaks campground and looking for Laura Palmer's body in a stream!



I'm sad to say I did not find Laura and I did not see FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper either. I did, however, see a ball game at Coors Field (where Bobby Abreu waived at me, the pretty sock, not the girl with the HUUUUUGGGGEEEE tracts of land sitting in front of me). Despite Bobby's flirtations, I was disappointed with the game since my team lost.



I stayed in the same hotel that the Yankees stayed in and I was majorly ticked when they lost night after night but would still go out clubbing, partying, or to some other shit (I suspect it involved "masseurs")! We'd be coming back to the hotel at midnight and the players would be all dolled up and going out. I may have asked my knitter mom to drop me so that I could trip a player or two as they strutted out the door, but she managed to restrain herself. Mind you, I can be held out of the car window at high speeds or dangled over a cliff, but there is no way she is going to hurt cutey patooty Yankee players. Life is so unfair!

I got to experience more of that "fear for your life" thing when we went to Rocky Mountain National Park. I was dangled over water falls, trudged through snow while my knitter mom was wearing flip flops and almost wiped out and cut her foot (which was numb from the snow so she didn't feel it until later when she could have already contacted gangrene and dragged me into a desolate life inside a purse with my other half stranded in some hotel, while her husband and many doctors administered life saving drugs hoping to stop the poison from swimming into her brain - as if it was all that great of a brain to begin with), and held up at yet another continental divide.



I was also dangled in front of some hungry animals like a snack while crazy knitter mom said stupid ass stuff like, "Here Moosey Moosey Moose!" "Lookie here you cute little Deery Deer ... look at my pretty sock!" Hey dummy, your foot is bleeding and I bet the little Moosey whatever can smell it. Think Jaws. You're gonna be the snack, not me!



It is truly amazing that I have lasted this long. Especially since the most handling I get is for photographs and not actual knitting. Only one half of me has a heel flap. It is disgraceful! Our trip culminated with a jaunt to Boulder to see the University of Colorado, and a ride on Ralphie for me. Thankfully the people of Boulder are a peaceful lot and seemed to have forgotten that the Miami Hurricanes last beat them at football, otherwise they may have laid a mob smack down on me and my Hurricane hat toting knitting mom!



My time in Colorado ended with a double date with one of knitting mom's husband's friends. He took us to a place that had many dead animals on the walls which kind of freaked me out a bit. Once we had the food though I forgot about Bambi's glare. It was some really good food.



Unfortunately my date wouldn't put out. Bobby had gotten me all hot and bothered and my date, well, apparently he isn't into the hand knits. I think he may have been embarrassed to be seen with me. What Ever. Maybe I'll get lucky in San Francisco.

Still Monkeying Around in Utah

Yes, People! It is me, your favorite Traveling Monkey. I tried to send you more love (and another cry for rescue) from the Great State of Utah but the free Wifi and internet access went wonky so you are going to have to pretend that I am not back home, safe and sound.

Pretend I am in Utah, the state where you have to become a member of a club to get a drink because there are no "public" bars! And let me tell you, when you are vacationing with a woman who takes you on chair lifts to ziplines and then on the ziplines themselves, to freestyle ski jumping swimming pools, or plonks you down on a curling thingamajig for a picture and then forgets you are in there and walks away until she hears some random child ask his parents why there is "string on the granite," or loads you into a bobsled ...





... well, you need a bar. Pronto. And, sure, there may be a joke about a sock walking into a bar and asking for a drink, but that joke, it didn't happen in Utah!

Crazy traveling knitter mom, she tried to butter me up with some food at the Sundance Resort Deli (which was quite fabulous), and she tried to butter me up some more by working on me while lounging on the Sundance patio (also fabulous, that whole being creative in a mecca of creativity thing) but then she ruined it with yet another height defying chair lift and then a long ass drive to Moab, Utah. A long ass drive where, I might add, she did not knit on me at all because she was looking at scenery or some other bogus thing!



Moab has Arches National Park. A really pretty place.



But it's not so pretty when the dumbass your with decides to take a hike for "prime picture taking opportunities." Her pictures of her and her husband on the rock came out fine, but when it's my turn, she leaves my knitted sock bit at the top with my ball bit next to it not thinking about the fact that hello, you left me on an incline with a piece of my anatomy being a ball, a round ball which rolls.



She is holding my ball part (and just so you know, constantly talking about "my ball part" makes me feel kind of funny) in her hand and my sock part is way up there, the speck on the rock in the picture. It is kind of hard to make out because she was LAUGHING AT ME while she was taking the picture! Yes, she laughed as I rolled down a VERY HIGH rock. She found it hysterical that I almost careened to my death. Bitch!

Monkeying Around in Utah

Dear Soon-to-be-Mom,

My birth mom, she is a crazy biatch! First she drags me on a plane and starts knitting away in public, while sitting in the middle seat and endangering those next to her. And, while she was knitting away she never noticed that she DROPPED MY BALL. Of course it rolls down a few rows and under some seats. I was so embarrassed. She had to CRAWL UNDER A STRANGE MAN'S LEGS (!!) to retrieve me. I thought that would take the cake, but no!

Once we got to Salt Lake City, she decided to take me to the Great Salt Lake.



Have you been to the Great Salt Lake? Sure it is pretty and beautiful and all that stuff, but, hello, salt smells. I fear I do too! I see a bath in my future. Grrr.

From there she took me and my smelly self to the Black Sheep Wool Company yarn store. This was really cool. It is a yarn store formerly owned by Nancy Bush. Yes, the Nancy Bush of sock pattern fame. It was like some sort of cosmic sock thing. I felt the good juju. She bought some of Nancy's local yarn which made me a little nervous since, yo, I'm not done being knit yet, but it needs bigger needles and she didn't bring any, waahaahaa!



She tried to class me up and get me some edumucation at the University of Utah (which some dummy tried to say was the real U but everyone knows there is only one U and it sure as shit ain't in Utah!).



Then she tried to get me some religion. This turned out to be a total dud. Sure, the temple and tabernacle were pretty, but all the scriptures about gays being bad and so forth got her TOTALLY hot under the collar.

When we left Salt Lake City, I thought I would be in for a break. Maybe even a nap. There is this whole time zone change thing goin' on that has me mentally messed up. But no. Turns out the big ole lush wanted a cider and a buffalo burger. That's right, buffalo.



I'm not sure how much more of this I can take. This woman, she is crazy! She is threatening to take me on a bobsled or a zipline. Her husband, he seems opposed, so I am hoping he wins this one. Yah never know what could happen to a poor little defense lil' Monkey when she's flying down a friggen bobsled with a lunatic!

Best Wishes,
Your Monkey